What Are the Traits of an Abusive Mother? Recognizing the Signs

Understanding the Impact of an Abusive Mother

An abusive mother can leave a deep, lasting impact on her children. This kind of trauma is not always immediately visible, but it lingers and shapes how individuals view themselves, others, and the world around them. If you’ve ever had a difficult relationship with your mother, or if you’ve suspected that a friend or family member is struggling with such a dynamic, this article might offer some insight.

When I first talked to my friend Lisa about this topic, I didn’t realize just how much her own experiences with her mother mirrored some of the traits we’re about to discuss. She’s someone I’ve known for years, and it wasn’t until she opened up that I realized how insidious emotional and verbal abuse can be, even from a mother. It’s subtle but powerful, and it’s something that’s not always easy to identify, especially when you’ve been conditioned to accept certain behaviors as normal.

Key Traits of an Abusive Mother

So, what exactly defines an abusive mother? It's not always about obvious physical violence (though that can happen too), but rather the consistent pattern of behavior that causes emotional harm. Let’s break down some of the key traits that may indicate an abusive mother.

1. Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is one of the hallmarks of an abusive mother. This could involve guilt-tripping, playing the victim, or using love as a bargaining chip. For instance, she might say things like, “I’ve done everything for you, and this is how you repay me?” or “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me.” These manipulative tactics are designed to control your feelings and actions, making you feel responsible for her emotional well-being.

Lisa shared with me how her mother often made her feel like she owed her something, even as an adult. This emotional manipulation can feel suffocating and make it difficult for the child to ever feel like they can do enough.

2. Verbal Abuse and Insults

A big red flag of an abusive mother is the use of verbal abuse. This can include constant criticism, belittling, name-calling, or degrading comments. She might make you feel worthless or unworthy of love.

It’s not just about occasional shouting, but about a constant barrage of negative remarks. This can leave deep scars, causing long-term issues with self-esteem. For example, if she frequently says things like “You’re never going to amount to anything” or “You’re so lazy, you’ll never succeed,” it’s a clear sign that her words are meant to hurt you and diminish your sense of self-worth.

3. Unreasonable Expectations

An abusive mother might set unattainably high standards for her child. No matter what you do, it’s never enough to please her. This can lead to an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. She may demand perfection or expect you to meet her emotional needs, even if you’re just a child.

I remember Lisa telling me that no matter how well she did in school or how hard she worked, her mother would never acknowledge it. It was always about how much more she could do. This kind of behavior can lead to anxiety and a fear of failure, even in adulthood.

The Emotional Toll: How These Traits Affect Children

The impact of an abusive mother doesn’t end in childhood. In fact, the emotional damage can extend into adulthood, often manifesting in struggles with relationships, self-worth, and mental health. Let’s talk about how these traits shape the emotional landscape of the child.

1. Issues with Self-Esteem

If you grew up with an abusive mother, chances are, your sense of self-worth may have been significantly affected. Constant verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, or never being good enough can leave you questioning your own value. This can lead to a lifetime of struggles with confidence and feelings of inadequacy.

One thing that stuck with me from Lisa’s story was how difficult it was for her to make decisions, even in adulthood. Her mother's constant undermining made her second-guess herself, often feeling like she wasn’t capable of making choices without approval.

2. Difficulty in Relationships

People raised by abusive mothers may also struggle with relationships as they get older. An abusive mother’s behavior can set unrealistic expectations, making it difficult to trust others or form healthy attachments. You might find yourself overcompensating in relationships, trying too hard to please, or constantly feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. This is often a direct result of how you learned to relate to others as a child.

When I asked Lisa about her relationships, she mentioned how hard it was to trust her partners. She always felt like she needed to perform perfectly to earn their love, just like she did with her mother. The cycle of emotional dependency was hard to break, and it took years of therapy to start trusting herself—and others.

3. Mental Health Struggles

Depression, anxiety, and even PTSD are common outcomes for children of abusive mothers. The emotional abuse they experience can shape their worldview, making them feel unsafe or unworthy of love. It can also cause chronic feelings of guilt, anger, or sadness.

Lisa, for example, mentioned that she often struggled with feelings of deep sadness, even when things seemed to be going well in her life. The impact of her mother’s behavior was so deeply ingrained that it took years of therapy to unravel the mental health effects.

Breaking the Cycle: Healing from an Abusive Mother

While it can be incredibly difficult to navigate the aftermath of growing up with an abusive mother, healing is possible. Here are a few steps that can help break the cycle of abuse and begin the process of recovery:

1. Recognize the Abuse

The first step to healing is recognizing that the behavior was abusive. For many people, it’s difficult to admit that their mother’s actions were harmful, especially if they’ve been normalized. It can take time to see that verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, and unreasonable expectations aren’t just “tough love,” they’re harmful behaviors.

2. Set Boundaries

Once you recognize the abusive traits, setting boundaries becomes essential. This can be one of the most difficult steps, especially if you’ve been taught to disregard your own needs. But boundaries help protect you from further harm and allow you to rebuild a sense of self-worth.

3. Seek Professional Help

Therapy can be a critical component in healing from an abusive relationship with a mother. A therapist can help you understand the deep emotional scars and give you tools to rebuild your self-esteem and break the cycle of abuse. Talking to someone who understands the dynamics of abusive relationships can make a world of difference.

Conclusion: Breaking Free from the Shadows of Abuse

Recognizing the traits of an abusive mother is the first step towards healing. If you’ve experienced this kind of treatment, know that it’s not your fault, and you are not alone. Healing may take time, but with the right support, you can break free from the emotional weight of an abusive past. Trust yourself, and remember, your worth is not defined by the actions of others. You deserve love, respect, and kindness—always.

Is 165 cm normal for a 15 year old?

The predicted height for a female, based on your parents heights, is 155 to 165cm. Most 15 year old girls are nearly done growing. I was too. It's a very normal height for a girl.

Is 160 cm too tall for a 12 year old?

How Tall Should a 12 Year Old Be? We can only speak to national average heights here in North America, whereby, a 12 year old girl would be between 137 cm to 162 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/3 feet). A 12 year old boy should be between 137 cm to 160 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/4 feet).

How tall is a average 15 year old?

Average Height to Weight for Teenage Boys - 13 to 20 Years

How to get taller at 18?

Staying physically active is even more essential from childhood to grow and improve overall health. But taking it up even in adulthood can help you add a few inches to your height. Strength-building exercises, yoga, jumping rope, and biking all can help to increase your flexibility and grow a few inches taller.

Is 5.7 a good height for a 15 year old boy?

Generally speaking, the average height for 15 year olds girls is 62.9 inches (or 159.7 cm). On the other hand, teen boys at the age of 15 have a much higher average height, which is 67.0 inches (or 170.1 cm).

Can you grow between 16 and 18?

Most girls stop growing taller by age 14 or 15. However, after their early teenage growth spurt, boys continue gaining height at a gradual pace until around 18. Note that some kids will stop growing earlier and others may keep growing a year or two more.

Can you grow 1 cm after 17?

Even with a healthy diet, most people's height won't increase after age 18 to 20. The graph below shows the rate of growth from birth to age 20. As you can see, the growth lines fall to zero between ages 18 and 20 ( 7 , 8 ). The reason why your height stops increasing is your bones, specifically your growth plates.