What Can Be Mistaken for Gaslighting? 7 Things You Should Know

The confusion around gaslighting: it’s not always what it seems

Gaslighting is a real form of emotional abuse, no doubt about that. But these days, it feels like everyone is being called a gaslighter, right? The term’s thrown around in arguments, therapy sessions, even on TikTok comment sections. Problem is, not everything that feels invalidating is gaslighting.

Let’s break it down. True gaslighting is a pattern of manipulation meant to make someone doubt their reality. But sometimes, things that aren’t malicious at all get mislabeled. And that’s where things get murky.

Misunderstandings that look like gaslighting (but aren't)

1. Honest disagreement

Just because someone sees a situation differently doesn’t mean they’re trying to mess with your head. Two people can remember something differently — that’s called being human, not being toxic.

I once swore a friend promised to call me back. She was sure she didn’t. We both left frustrated, but neither of us was gaslighting the other. Just… poor memory. Or maybe bad listening. Happens.

2. Bad communication skills

Not everyone is emotionally fluent, and sometimes people say stuff like “You’re overreacting” or “That’s not what I meant.” Annoying? Yes. Dismissive? Sometimes. But malice isn’t always part of the equation.

Gaslighting has intent behind it — it’s strategic. A clumsy communicator may hurt you unintentionally, but they’re not necessarily trying to warp your perception.

3. Emotional reactivity

Ever had someone shut down or lash out when you confront them? That’s more about emotional dysregulation than psychological abuse. They may deflect, deny, or even get defensive — but that’s a far cry from calculated gaslighting.

4. Mental illness or neurodivergence

People with ADHD, anxiety, or trauma responses might react in ways that seem erratic or confusing. That doesn’t mean they’re manipulating you.
A person might forget conversations, get overwhelmed easily, or change opinions quickly — not to trick you, but because their brain’s just wired a bit differently.

Cultural and generational gaps

5. Different emotional languages

Some people grew up in families where feelings weren’t talked about, and expressing vulnerability wasn’t safe. So when you say, “That hurt me,” and they say, “It wasn’t that bad,” it might sound like gaslighting — but really, it’s a learned defense.

Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, Gen Z… we all have different vocabularies for emotion. Sometimes what sounds like manipulation is really just a clumsy coping mechanism.

6. Avoidance or fear of conflict

Sometimes people deny things or say “you’re too sensitive” not to manipulate — but to avoid dealing with conflict. It’s still not ideal, but it’s more about fear and avoidance than control. That’s an important difference.

When does it actually become gaslighting?

7. Pattern, power, and intent

Gaslighting isn’t a one-time misunderstanding. It’s repeated behavior, often from someone who wants to keep control, shift blame, or isolate you. It often comes with:

• Rewriting history (“You’re imagining things”)

• Making you doubt your memory or sanity

• Isolating you from others who affirm your experience

If someone consistently denies things they said, makes you feel “crazy,” or twists events to make everything your fault — that’s gaslighting.

Final thoughts: Be cautious, but not careless

Yes, gaslighting is real. But not every argument, disagreement, or emotional messiness is gaslighting. Mislabeling stuff can damage trust, especially when the other person isn’t acting with bad intent.

The key? Look for patterns, not isolated moments. And ask yourself: Is this confusion… or control?

Because confusing pain for abuse doesn’t help either side. But calling out real gaslighting when it’s happening? That’s powerful — and necessary.

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