Why Do People With BPD Attract Narcs? The Unspoken Trauma Bond

What makes people with BPD and narcissists drawn to each other?

It’s weird, right? You'd think someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)—who feels things way too deeply—would run the other way when a narcissist shows up. But nope. There’s a pattern. And it happens more often than you’d guess.

Some call it “trauma bonding,” others say it’s a toxic dance between two wounded psyches. Honestly, it might be a bit of both. But let’s dig into why people with BPD often (unintentionally) attract narcissists—and vice versa.

BPD: intense emotions, deep fear of abandonment

People with BPD experience emotions like they’re on fire.
Love? It's overwhelming.
Fear? Crippling.
Abandonment? Devastating, even if it's just imagined.

They crave connection, but they fear being left. It’s like driving full speed toward someone—while slamming the brakes at the same time.

And because of this emotional intensity, they can come off as extremely passionate, attentive, and even magnetic in the beginning. That passion? Narcissists feed off of it.

Narcissists: charm first, control later

At first, narcissists seem perfect. Confident. Charismatic. They say all the right things. They mirror your desires and make you feel seen—until you don’t.

Once you're hooked, the real narcissist steps in. Cold. Critical. Controlling.

And someone with BPD, desperate for emotional security, starts chasing that original “ideal version” of the narcissist. It becomes an emotional rollercoaster that’s almost impossible to jump off.

The love bombing trap

Narcissists often use love bombing: intense flattery, attention, and promises at the beginning of the relationship.

For someone with BPD—who may have experienced emotional neglect or abandonment—this kind of attention can feel like salvation. Finally! Someone who "gets" me. Except... they don’t. Not really.

Why is this attraction so common?

Complementary wounds

Honestly? It’s like their traumas click.

• BPD fears abandonment → tries to please, fix, love harder

• Narcissists fear vulnerability → need to be admired and in control

So the person with BPD bends and breaks trying to be enough, while the narcissist soaks it up—until the cycle turns toxic. Again.

It's not that people with BPD are “weak” or that narcs are “evil.” It's about deeply ingrained survival patterns clashing in the worst possible way.

Familiar chaos

This part hurts to admit. But a lot of people with BPD grew up in environments where love and pain were intertwined. So when a narcissist pulls that same hot-cold behavior?

It feels weirdly familiar—and familiarity feels like safety. Even when it’s anything but.

I once heard someone say, “I stayed because I thought that level of pain meant it was real.” That sentence? Pure BPD-narc dynamic.

Signs the bond is turning toxic

Constant walking on eggshells

You never know which version of them you’re gonna get. And so you start overthinking everything you say, everything you do. That’s not love. That’s survival mode.

You feel like you're losing yourself

People with BPD often struggle with identity already. Add a narcissist to the mix—who gaslights and invalidates—and boom: you forget who you are.

The highs are unreal… but the lows destroy you

The push-pull dynamic becomes addictive. You crave the “highs” of reconciliation so much that you're willing to endure the pain just to get them.

Can it ever work?

Rarely. Not without massive self-awareness and therapy—on both sides.

People with BPD can absolutely thrive in healthy relationships. But narcissists? Especially the high-spectrum ones? They're not exactly famous for personal growth.

If you’re the one with BPD: You deserve love that’s consistent and calm, not dramatic and painful. The right person won’t make you feel like you're too much—they'll make space for all that you are.

Final truth bomb:
People with BPD don’t attract narcissists because they’re broken. They attract them because they love hard, feel deep, and want connection so badly it hurts.
And narcissists? They sniff that out.

But love isn't meant to be a battlefield. Healing is possible—and when it comes, the chaos won’t feel like home anymore. Peace will.

Is 165 cm normal for a 15 year old?

The predicted height for a female, based on your parents heights, is 155 to 165cm. Most 15 year old girls are nearly done growing. I was too. It's a very normal height for a girl.

Is 160 cm too tall for a 12 year old?

How Tall Should a 12 Year Old Be? We can only speak to national average heights here in North America, whereby, a 12 year old girl would be between 137 cm to 162 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/3 feet). A 12 year old boy should be between 137 cm to 160 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/4 feet).

How tall is a average 15 year old?

Average Height to Weight for Teenage Boys - 13 to 20 Years

How to get taller at 18?

Staying physically active is even more essential from childhood to grow and improve overall health. But taking it up even in adulthood can help you add a few inches to your height. Strength-building exercises, yoga, jumping rope, and biking all can help to increase your flexibility and grow a few inches taller.

Is 5.7 a good height for a 15 year old boy?

Generally speaking, the average height for 15 year olds girls is 62.9 inches (or 159.7 cm). On the other hand, teen boys at the age of 15 have a much higher average height, which is 67.0 inches (or 170.1 cm).

Can you grow between 16 and 18?

Most girls stop growing taller by age 14 or 15. However, after their early teenage growth spurt, boys continue gaining height at a gradual pace until around 18. Note that some kids will stop growing earlier and others may keep growing a year or two more.

Can you grow 1 cm after 17?

Even with a healthy diet, most people's height won't increase after age 18 to 20. The graph below shows the rate of growth from birth to age 20. As you can see, the growth lines fall to zero between ages 18 and 20 ( 7 , 8 ). The reason why your height stops increasing is your bones, specifically your growth plates.