Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder: Why Do People with BPD Push Others Away?"

Why Do Borderlines Push People Away? Understanding the Complex Emotional Dynamics

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Well, if you've ever wondered why someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) might seem to push people away, you're not alone. Honestly, I’ve had many conversations with friends and colleagues who’ve experienced this firsthand, and it’s not always easy to understand. People with BPD can be some of the most intense and passionate individuals, but the emotional extremes they feel often make it hard to maintain stable relationships.

So, why does this happen? It’s a mix of fear, instability, and an overwhelming need for validation. People with BPD often struggle with intense feelings of abandonment, and ironically, this fear can cause them to act in ways that make others feel rejected.

The Fear of Abandonment

At the heart of BPD is a fear of abandonment that can seem irrational to others. Honestly, it can be exhausting for both the person with BPD and those around them. For example, a friend of mine, Lily, has BPD, and she’s always worried that people are going to leave her. This can happen even in the middle of the most minor disagreements. It’s not that she doesn’t trust people, but her mind automatically assumes rejection is coming. And guess what? This fear often makes her push people away before they can leave her. It’s a self-protective mechanism, but it doesn’t always work out the way she hopes.

Idealization and Devaluation: The Push-Pull Cycle

Honestly, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve witnessed the intense shifts between idealization and devaluation in someone with BPD. This push-pull cycle is often the source of confusion for those in relationships with them. One moment, the person with BPD is madly in love with you, telling you how amazing you are, and the next, they’re accusing you of not caring or not being there enough. It’s emotionally draining, but it’s also deeply ingrained in the way people with BPD experience relationships.

The Need for Validation

People with BPD often have a deep need for external validation. They crave approval and love, but it’s hard for them to feel secure in these feelings. This emotional instability can make them push people away to test the boundaries of the relationship. If you’ve ever felt like a friend with BPD was “too much” at times, it’s probably because they were looking for that constant reassurance. The highs and lows can be overwhelming, and yet, there’s always this underlying need to feel seen and validated. I’ve seen this with Lily – when things are going great, she feels like everything is perfect. But when something small goes wrong, she feels rejected, even if the other person doesn’t mean to.

The Role of Trauma and Self-Sabotage

Well, here’s where things get tricky. Borderline personality disorder often stems from past trauma, particularly experiences of neglect or abuse. This trauma creates a shaky foundation for trusting others, leading to self-sabotage. People with BPD may feel that they don’t deserve love or that others will hurt them eventually, so they push people away before they have the chance to get too close. It’s their way of controlling the narrative, even if it means hurting themselves or others in the process.

A Personal Story: Self-Sabotage in Action

Let me share something personal here. I remember a time when a close friend of mine, who has BPD, suddenly cut off communication with me after a small misunderstanding. It was a week of silence, and I was left confused. After reaching out, she told me that she pushed me away because she thought I would leave her like others had in the past. It was heartbreaking, but I came to understand that this was her way of coping with the pain of past experiences. For her, it was easier to pull back than to risk being abandoned. It’s a painful cycle of self-sabotage, but it's real.

Can Relationships with Borderlines Work?

Honestly, relationships with someone who has BPD can be incredibly challenging, but that doesn’t mean they’re impossible. I know people who’ve successfully navigated the ups and downs of BPD relationships by being patient, setting boundaries, and understanding the deep-seated fears that drive the behaviors. It’s about being consistent and reassuring, but also knowing when to take a step back.

Therapy and Support

I can’t stress enough how important therapy is for anyone with BPD. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), in particular, has been shown to help individuals with BPD learn how to manage their emotions and reduce the intense reactions they may have. If you're in a relationship with someone who has BPD, it’s also important to seek support for yourself. Setting boundaries and understanding their behaviors can help you navigate the emotional rollercoaster without getting lost in it.

Conclusion: The Push-Pull of BPD Relationships

So, why do borderlines push people away? It’s a complex mix of fear, past trauma, and emotional instability. But at the core, it’s about self-protection. They fear abandonment and often act in ways that lead to the very outcome they dread. It’s a heartbreaking paradox, but it’s something that can be worked through with understanding, therapy, and a lot of patience.

I’ve learned a lot through my relationships with people who have BPD, and while it’s not always easy, the key is communication and support. If you’re dealing with someone with BPD, just know that their actions are more about their inner struggles than about you. Stay patient, be consistent, and always encourage them to seek help.

Is 165 cm normal for a 15 year old?

The predicted height for a female, based on your parents heights, is 155 to 165cm. Most 15 year old girls are nearly done growing. I was too. It's a very normal height for a girl.

Is 160 cm too tall for a 12 year old?

How Tall Should a 12 Year Old Be? We can only speak to national average heights here in North America, whereby, a 12 year old girl would be between 137 cm to 162 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/3 feet). A 12 year old boy should be between 137 cm to 160 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/4 feet).

How tall is a average 15 year old?

Average Height to Weight for Teenage Boys - 13 to 20 Years

How to get taller at 18?

Staying physically active is even more essential from childhood to grow and improve overall health. But taking it up even in adulthood can help you add a few inches to your height. Strength-building exercises, yoga, jumping rope, and biking all can help to increase your flexibility and grow a few inches taller.

Is 5.7 a good height for a 15 year old boy?

Generally speaking, the average height for 15 year olds girls is 62.9 inches (or 159.7 cm). On the other hand, teen boys at the age of 15 have a much higher average height, which is 67.0 inches (or 170.1 cm).

Can you grow between 16 and 18?

Most girls stop growing taller by age 14 or 15. However, after their early teenage growth spurt, boys continue gaining height at a gradual pace until around 18. Note that some kids will stop growing earlier and others may keep growing a year or two more.

Can you grow 1 cm after 17?

Even with a healthy diet, most people's height won't increase after age 18 to 20. The graph below shows the rate of growth from birth to age 20. As you can see, the growth lines fall to zero between ages 18 and 20 ( 7 , 8 ). The reason why your height stops increasing is your bones, specifically your growth plates.