What is an Avoidant's Biggest Fear?

For someone with an avoidant attachment style, relationships can be tricky. But what exactly lies at the core of their fears? You might be wondering what makes avoidants so afraid of getting close to others, and why they often seem distant or emotionally unavailable. Let’s dive into this topic to uncover what’s going on behind the scenes.

The Fear of Intimacy

What does intimacy mean for avoidants?

For an avoidant individual, intimacy isn't just about physical closeness—it's the emotional connection that comes with it that creates fear. The closer they get to someone, the more they feel vulnerable. The idea of someone getting too close emotionally, where they can be truly seen and understood, can be overwhelming.

I remember having a conversation with a friend who identified as avoidant. She told me that, for years, she kept pushing people away when things started getting emotionally deep. Her biggest fear wasn’t rejection; it was the feeling of losing control and becoming too dependent on others. It’s an odd mix of wanting closeness but also fearing it.

Why is intimacy so intimidating?

Avoidants tend to have deep-seated fears of being judged or rejected if they allow someone to see their true self. This fear often stems from past experiences where they may have been neglected or hurt in relationships, especially in childhood. Trust becomes a difficult concept, and the more intimate the relationship, the more they feel the need to protect themselves by keeping their distance.

The Fear of Vulnerability

Why does vulnerability scare them?

Vulnerability is the biggest challenge for avoidants. They equate vulnerability with weakness, and in their minds, showing any sign of emotional need is akin to losing control. For avoidants, this vulnerability feels like an open door to being hurt. It’s almost as if they’ve built emotional walls around themselves to stay safe.

In a conversation with another avoidant friend, he explained that letting his guard down in a relationship meant risking disappointment and emotional pain. "I’d rather keep my distance than face the possibility of getting hurt," he said. And honestly, I could understand where he was coming from—emotions are messy, and they often don’t have the neat, predictable endings we want.

How do they handle vulnerability?

Avoidants often shut down or withdraw when they feel vulnerable. This can show up as emotional distance, avoidance of deep conversations, or even physical withdrawal. It’s their way of coping with the fear of opening up too much.

The Fear of Losing Independence

Why is independence so important to avoidants?

Independence is one of the pillars of the avoidant’s emotional security. They value it above most things, and the idea of relying on someone else for emotional support can feel like a threat to their sense of self. In relationships, avoidants can feel suffocated if they perceive that they are losing their independence or being "tied down."

I’ve seen this firsthand with someone I know who struggles with avoidance. She constantly needs space and time alone, and when relationships get too close, she starts to feel as though she’s losing her autonomy. She even jokes about being a "lone wolf" and how it gives her the freedom she craves. It’s not that she doesn’t want love or connection—it’s that she wants it on her terms, when she’s ready.

The struggle with balance

The tension between wanting connection and needing space can create a confusing dynamic. Avoidants may pull back when they feel their independence is at risk, even if they truly care about the other person. It’s a balancing act that often leaves both partners unsure of where they stand.

The Fear of Rejection

Why is rejection so triggering?

While avoidants may appear indifferent or detached, they still have the same fear of rejection as anyone else. However, their fear isn’t always about being outright rejected; it's more about being exposed and seen as "not enough." The fear of rejection stems from a deep insecurity about their worth in relationships.

This fear can sometimes be subtle, showing up in ways like the avoidance of deep emotional involvement, or the dismissal of others before they get too close. It’s as if they believe that if they push people away first, they’re protecting themselves from the potential sting of rejection.

The self-fulfilling prophecy

Ironically, the fear of rejection can lead avoidants to push people away in ways that actually make rejection more likely. The emotional walls they build often prevent them from forming the very connection they fear losing. It's a complicated cycle of wanting love but fearing the emotional cost.

How to Help an Avoidant Overcome Their Fears

Encouragement and understanding

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has avoidant tendencies, offering understanding and patience is key. Avoidants need time and space to process their emotions. Encouraging them to open up without pressuring them can create an environment where they feel safe to let down their guard.

Building trust

Trust is the foundation of overcoming the fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Showing that you are reliable, consistent, and trustworthy can help ease the anxiety avoidants feel. Over time, this trust may help them feel more comfortable with emotional closeness and less fearful of rejection.

Conclusion: Can Avoidants Overcome Their Fear?

While it’s challenging, avoidants can absolutely learn to overcome their fears of intimacy, vulnerability, and rejection. It takes time, patience, and a willingness to build trust with someone who understands their emotional needs. With the right support, avoidants can slowly become more comfortable with emotional closeness and experience more fulfilling relationships.

Honestly, though, it’s not something that happens overnight. Just like any other fear, it takes small, consistent steps to break free from the patterns of avoidance and start building a connection with others. If you or someone you know struggles with this, just know that progress is possible—it just takes a little more time.

Is 165 cm normal for a 15 year old?

The predicted height for a female, based on your parents heights, is 155 to 165cm. Most 15 year old girls are nearly done growing. I was too. It's a very normal height for a girl.

Is 160 cm too tall for a 12 year old?

How Tall Should a 12 Year Old Be? We can only speak to national average heights here in North America, whereby, a 12 year old girl would be between 137 cm to 162 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/3 feet). A 12 year old boy should be between 137 cm to 160 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/4 feet).

How tall is a average 15 year old?

Average Height to Weight for Teenage Boys - 13 to 20 Years

How to get taller at 18?

Staying physically active is even more essential from childhood to grow and improve overall health. But taking it up even in adulthood can help you add a few inches to your height. Strength-building exercises, yoga, jumping rope, and biking all can help to increase your flexibility and grow a few inches taller.

Is 5.7 a good height for a 15 year old boy?

Generally speaking, the average height for 15 year olds girls is 62.9 inches (or 159.7 cm). On the other hand, teen boys at the age of 15 have a much higher average height, which is 67.0 inches (or 170.1 cm).

Can you grow between 16 and 18?

Most girls stop growing taller by age 14 or 15. However, after their early teenage growth spurt, boys continue gaining height at a gradual pace until around 18. Note that some kids will stop growing earlier and others may keep growing a year or two more.

Can you grow 1 cm after 17?

Even with a healthy diet, most people's height won't increase after age 18 to 20. The graph below shows the rate of growth from birth to age 20. As you can see, the growth lines fall to zero between ages 18 and 20 ( 7 , 8 ). The reason why your height stops increasing is your bones, specifically your growth plates.