When the Narcissist Realizes You Aren’t Coming Back: The Truth

The Narcissist's Delusion of Control

When you're in a relationship with a narcissist, there’s this unsettling feeling that no matter what you do, they always seem to have the upper hand. Their sense of entitlement and need for admiration can make you feel like you're never truly seen or valued for who you are. And when the day comes that you decide you’re done — that you're not coming back — it hits them in a way they may not show outwardly, but trust me, it stings.

I’ve had a recent conversation with a friend, Sarah, who was in a toxic relationship with a narcissist for years. She told me, "I finally left, and I think he genuinely believed I would be back, even after everything." It made me realize that, for many narcissists, they have this distorted sense of reality, and they think they can always pull you back in with their manipulative tactics. But what happens when they realize you really aren’t coming back?

The Initial Reaction: Denial and Anger

1. The Shock of Losing Control

At first, when a narcissist realizes you aren't coming back, their reaction is often one of shock and disbelief. Narcissists thrive on control and attention. They are used to having people bend to their will. So, when you walk away, it challenges their very perception of themselves.

I remember when my cousin Mark went through a similar situation. He’d been dating a woman who constantly used his emotions against him, always manipulating situations to make him feel guilty for things that weren’t his fault. But when he finally stood his ground and ended it, she couldn’t grasp that he wouldn’t be swayed by her usual tricks. The denial hit hard, and it wasn’t pretty.

2. The Shift to Anger

If the narcissist can’t deny the situation, they quickly shift to anger. This is their defense mechanism — they’ll lash out in an attempt to regain control. They may send angry texts, call you names, or even try to play the victim, hoping that their emotional outburst will provoke a reaction from you.

In Sarah’s case, after she blocked her ex on social media, he resorted to sending passive-aggressive messages to her family, trying to get them on his side. It’s their way of maintaining control by trying to create a narrative that suits them, but it rarely works.

The Narcissist's Tactics to Get You Back

3. Hoovering: The Attempt to Suck You Back In

One of the most manipulative tactics a narcissist uses when they realize you're not coming back is called "hoovering." Named after the vacuum cleaner brand, hoovering is when they try to suck you back into the relationship with a variety of tactics, including love bombing, guilt trips, or even threats.

I’ve seen this play out firsthand with my friend Jake. His narcissistic ex-girlfriend tried to win him back by showing up at his favorite places, pretending to be all sweet and understanding, only to flip the script later with emotional manipulation. She’d bombard him with "I miss you" texts and "I can't live without you" messages, all the while twisting the situation so that he felt responsible for her happiness. It took him a while to see it for what it was — a desperate attempt to keep him under her thumb.

4. The Narcissist’s Need for Validation

The narcissist’s desperation to get you back also stems from their need for constant validation. When they lose you, their fragile ego is bruised, and they need to be reassured that they are still "worthy" of attention. They may look for validation from others or try to flaunt new relationships or success in front of you, hoping to get a reaction.

But here’s the thing — they don’t realize that their need for external validation only highlights their insecurity. Once you truly understand this, you’ll be less likely to fall for these tactics. It’s not about love; it’s about control and validation.

When the Narcissist Accepts You Won’t Return

5. The Moment of Acceptance: Silence or Smear Campaign

Eventually, the narcissist may come to terms with the fact that you're not coming back. But how they process this is key. Some narcissists might go silent — the "no contact" strategy will often leave them speechless, as they can’t manipulate you without a response. This can leave them feeling helpless.

Other narcissists might lash out even more with a smear campaign, badmouthing you to anyone who will listen. They’ll twist the facts, make themselves out to be the victim, and paint you as the villain. It’s exhausting and frustrating, but it’s part of their cycle. What they don’t realize is that the more they engage in this behavior, the less control they have over your life.

How to Protect Yourself After Leaving a Narcissist

6. Establish Strong Boundaries

The best thing you can do after leaving a narcissist is to set and maintain strong boundaries. Do not engage with them, even if they try to hoover you back into their world. Keep your distance, block them on social media if necessary, and focus on healing.

It’s hard, but every time you refuse to react, you regain more power. As my friend Sarah said, “Once I stopped responding, it was like I took back the control I didn’t even know I had.”

Conclusion: The Narcissist’s Realization is Not Your Problem

When a narcissist finally realizes you aren’t coming back, it’s a huge blow to their ego. But it’s not your problem. You’ve made the decision to prioritize your own well-being, and that’s the most important thing. They’ll try to manipulate, hoover, or even smear your name, but remember, you’ve already taken back your life. They can’t control you if you refuse to engage.

So, if you're in this situation or contemplating leaving, know that the narcissist's realization is only a small part of your journey toward healing and freedom. Keep moving forward, and don't let them drag you back into their world.

Is 165 cm normal for a 15 year old?

The predicted height for a female, based on your parents heights, is 155 to 165cm. Most 15 year old girls are nearly done growing. I was too. It's a very normal height for a girl.

Is 160 cm too tall for a 12 year old?

How Tall Should a 12 Year Old Be? We can only speak to national average heights here in North America, whereby, a 12 year old girl would be between 137 cm to 162 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/3 feet). A 12 year old boy should be between 137 cm to 160 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/4 feet).

How tall is a average 15 year old?

Average Height to Weight for Teenage Boys - 13 to 20 Years

How to get taller at 18?

Staying physically active is even more essential from childhood to grow and improve overall health. But taking it up even in adulthood can help you add a few inches to your height. Strength-building exercises, yoga, jumping rope, and biking all can help to increase your flexibility and grow a few inches taller.

Is 5.7 a good height for a 15 year old boy?

Generally speaking, the average height for 15 year olds girls is 62.9 inches (or 159.7 cm). On the other hand, teen boys at the age of 15 have a much higher average height, which is 67.0 inches (or 170.1 cm).

Can you grow between 16 and 18?

Most girls stop growing taller by age 14 or 15. However, after their early teenage growth spurt, boys continue gaining height at a gradual pace until around 18. Note that some kids will stop growing earlier and others may keep growing a year or two more.

Can you grow 1 cm after 17?

Even with a healthy diet, most people's height won't increase after age 18 to 20. The graph below shows the rate of growth from birth to age 20. As you can see, the growth lines fall to zero between ages 18 and 20 ( 7 , 8 ). The reason why your height stops increasing is your bones, specifically your growth plates.