Can You Change from Avoidant to Secure? (Yes, but It’s a Journey)

Is Change Really Possible?

Honestly, if you’d asked me this a few years ago, I might have said no. I used to think attachment styles were just… fixed. Like, if you were avoidant, that was it—your brain was wired that way, end of story. But then, I had this conversation with my friend Sarah (who’s way more into psychology than I am), and she just looked at me and went, “You know people heal, right?” And that got me thinking.

So, can you go from avoidant to secure? The short answer is yes. The longer answer? It takes work, self-awareness, and a good dose of emotional discomfort. Let’s break it down.

What Does It Mean to Be Avoidant?

Before we talk about change, let’s be clear on what avoidant attachment actually is.

Signs You Might Be Avoidant

• You pull away when someone gets too close (even when you like them).
• You feel uncomfortable relying on others or letting them rely on you.
• Emotional intimacy? Yeah, no thanks.
• You tend to shut down instead of communicating when things get tough.
• Deep down, you want connection, but your instinct is to keep people at arm’s length.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Avoidant attachment usually develops in childhood when emotional needs weren’t consistently met (not necessarily because of bad parents—sometimes it’s just life). It’s a defense mechanism, a way of saying, “I don’t need anyone, so no one can hurt me.” But here’s the kicker: it’s not actually true.

How Can You Shift to Secure Attachment?

Alright, let’s get into the real question: how do you change? I won’t lie, it’s not an overnight thing. But it’s absolutely doable.

1. Start Noticing Your Patterns

This was the hardest part for me. I’d always thought I was just "independent"—until I realized I was actually avoiding vulnerability like the plague. Start paying attention to your reactions in relationships:

• Do you feel an urge to run when things get serious?
• Do you dismiss or downplay your emotions?
• Are you always "too busy" for deeper connection?

Awareness is the first (and most frustrating) step. But once you see the pattern, you can start interrupting it.

2. Challenge Your Beliefs About Relationships

A lot of avoidants (including past me) have this deep-seated belief that relying on people = weakness. Or that emotional closeness will lead to suffocation. But is that really true?

I had to sit with this question for a while. I started noticing couples who seemed securely attached—not clingy, not distant, just… comfortable. It was a weird concept for me at first, but the more I saw it, the more I realized: maybe I was wrong. Maybe emotional safety actually exists.

3. Practice Small Acts of Vulnerability

Okay, I know—"vulnerability" sounds terrifying. But hear me out. You don’t have to suddenly spill your deepest fears to your partner or best friend. Start small:

• Text back first instead of waiting.
• Share something personal when someone asks how you’re doing (instead of the classic "I’m fine").
• Let someone help you with something instead of insisting you’ve got it.

At first, it feels weird. Maybe even a little painful. But over time, these tiny shifts start rewiring your brain to see connection as safe.

4. Surround Yourself with Secure People

This one was a game-changer for me. If you’ve mostly been around other avoidants (or people with anxious attachment who reinforce your distance), it’s hard to believe security is real. But spending time with securely attached people? That’s where the magic happens.

Secure people:

• Communicate their needs without drama.
• Don’t punish you for needing space, but also don’t let you disappear.
• Offer reassurance without pressure.

If you’re dating, look for partners with secure traits. If you’re working on friendships, seek out people who make you feel safe to open up. It’s easier to change when you have a model for what healthy connection looks like.

But What If You Backslide?

Spoiler: you will. I definitely did. There were times I thought I was making progress, and then boom—suddenly, I was ghosting someone emotionally for no reason. Or shutting down when a friend tried to help me through something. And for a while, I thought, “Well, I guess I’m just avoidant forever.”

But here’s the truth: backsliding doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re rewiring years (sometimes decades) of emotional conditioning, and that takes time. The key is to notice when it happens, forgive yourself, and try again.

Final Thoughts: Can You Really Become Secure?

Yes. 100%. But it’s not about suddenly "fixing" yourself—it’s about building new habits, challenging old fears, and allowing yourself to experience connection differently.

If you’re starting this journey, be patient. You’re not broken, and you’re not alone. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but trust me—on the other side of that discomfort is a kind of emotional safety that’s so worth it.

Is 165 cm normal for a 15 year old?

The predicted height for a female, based on your parents heights, is 155 to 165cm. Most 15 year old girls are nearly done growing. I was too. It's a very normal height for a girl.

Is 160 cm too tall for a 12 year old?

How Tall Should a 12 Year Old Be? We can only speak to national average heights here in North America, whereby, a 12 year old girl would be between 137 cm to 162 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/3 feet). A 12 year old boy should be between 137 cm to 160 cm tall (4-1/2 to 5-1/4 feet).

How tall is a average 15 year old?

Average Height to Weight for Teenage Boys - 13 to 20 Years

How to get taller at 18?

Staying physically active is even more essential from childhood to grow and improve overall health. But taking it up even in adulthood can help you add a few inches to your height. Strength-building exercises, yoga, jumping rope, and biking all can help to increase your flexibility and grow a few inches taller.

Is 5.7 a good height for a 15 year old boy?

Generally speaking, the average height for 15 year olds girls is 62.9 inches (or 159.7 cm). On the other hand, teen boys at the age of 15 have a much higher average height, which is 67.0 inches (or 170.1 cm).

Can you grow between 16 and 18?

Most girls stop growing taller by age 14 or 15. However, after their early teenage growth spurt, boys continue gaining height at a gradual pace until around 18. Note that some kids will stop growing earlier and others may keep growing a year or two more.

Can you grow 1 cm after 17?

Even with a healthy diet, most people's height won't increase after age 18 to 20. The graph below shows the rate of growth from birth to age 20. As you can see, the growth lines fall to zero between ages 18 and 20 ( 7 , 8 ). The reason why your height stops increasing is your bones, specifically your growth plates.